Tears Are A Language

posted on: Thursday, December 1, 2011



Tears. Tears have been a language to me. A way for my heart to speak, when I don't know what to say or can't say. Even after they spill over my cheeks, running down my chest, I can feel the cold air of the room letting me feel the patterns they've left on my face. The skin on my face feels cold and tight, but there's some sort of comfort in that? Then, all of a sudden my face is warm again, more tears. 

Miscarriage has been one of the scariest of words to me. It's also a word that I never thought would be a part of my life story, but who ever thinks it will be?  

1 week late. 2 weeks late. 3 weeks late. I knew it. I knew my body felt different. I knew what "this" kind of "different" was. I was pregnant. Was I pregnant? Denial. My first set of thoughts were a mixture of "what the holy heck!!!??" a twinge of excitement, and Eeeee! Then, all out fear set in as I thought of the knitty gritty. I was in a tango of passionate, flip-flop emotions.

This called for a crying session on my back porch, one evening, in the middle of the maybes and might- bes. I let the fears gush out, that had piled high during my pregnancy with Káel and his birth. (I had a really emotional and stressful pregnancy with Kael and one heck of a labor experience. If you aren't familiar with it, you can go and read about it here and here.) Only Jesus and the little night critters in our woods were listening. Sam was inside. I had snapped at him, which was another clue that my body was out of kilter. Not the hormones again! I'm just starting to feel normal! The swing I was laying on had damp cushions from the rain that we'd had earlier in the day. My shirt was slowly starting to feel cold and wet. I didn't care. This was real and I had to address my heart. After the last sob ebbed, I looked up and watched the tops of the trees rock back and forth. The sound of their leaves were soothing, like the sound of the ocean. I felt a wave of comfort. Jesus was calming and kissing my soul. It was a really beautiful time of healing for my heart that I'll treasure forever. It was ok if I was pregnant.  I got up from my porch swing, ready to do this, still freaked out, but ready. Samuel was as supportive as ever.  I was holding my breath.  

A few days later, 2 faint lines on 2 separate pee sticks, confirmed what what my body had been telling me. I was pregnant. Sam was so excited. I cried a few tears with one of my best friends as the reality hit me. Then, we switched into gear with a snap. Samuel started telling me names that he liked. I started envisioning a wee baby and a sibling for Forest boy. We were ready to have another baby and it was amazing. That same day, I saw a few of my closest girl friends and I blurted out the news. Squeals erupted! We planned on telling our family at Thanksgiving, as we all sat around the table telling each other what we were thankful for. I even posted a fake "Aunt Flo" status on Facebook to throw my family off. I felt like this time around was going to be so redemptive and lovely. I was so sure. 

"Dear Little Darling, 

Today I found out that you are here. I told a few of  my closest friends about you. Your Daddy is so excited and so am I. I was afraid at first. But now, I'm SO excited. One day we will laugh together about today. I already feel your goodness and the beauty that's inside of you. I love you. 

-Momma"

I went to bed and smelled the most awful smelling discharge. I thought it was strange but, just brushed it off as a pregnancy thing. Sam and I had sparkles in our eyes and I made myself close the name book and go to sleep. I was going to call my midwife tomorrow. She was going to be so excited. I woke up the next morning and there was blood, lots of it. I ran to the bathroom and started crying. Samuel was trying to figure out how to help me. What does this mean? Maybe I was never pregnant? The lines were really faint, right? No, my heart was already committed to this. I had taken 2 tests. There was no easy out. I called my sweet midwives and an agonizing week of 50/50's and maybes began. Apparently 50% of women bleed in their pregnancy and they are fine. My midwife told me that it was most likely my body moving the embryo out of my body. But, she said that I could come in for an expensive blood test to confirm or wait a few days.

 I tried to convince myself that I wasn't pregnant at all. It would be easier to deal with. This couldn't be happening to me, could it? But my body and so many other things were telling me that wasn't the case. This was happening. The torture of finding a place to put my emotions was awful. Do I mourn?  Do I hope? How can you do both at the same time and still function? I wrote this during that week, "The heart leans into hope with a fierceness, even when it's afraid of it." I was terrified of hoping because, what if my baby was already gone and I would have to go through the initial pain all over again? What if I don't hope and write it all off and there's a baby in there needing some love and help? But like I wrote, my heart is geared to hope. So, I waited and tried to embrace being vulnerable. But, oh this torturous limbo.

"I'm laying here, bleeding and with every cramp, a shockwave of sadness hits my heart...I was so excited and so sure about you and the future moments I was going to have with you. The limbo is the worst. Maybe you'll be fine, maybe my body will keep rejecting you. I'm sorry. I've tried to sleep. I'm afraid to change my pad because I'm afraid to see 'tissue' which would be you. Please no." 

Being vulnerable is a beautiful, ugly and terrifying place to be. It feels like weakness. It is. It feels like you're left unprotected, open to any and every hurtful thing. Which, you are. For me, embracing being vulnerable is the only way my heart can heal and grow. If I'm in denial and I wall off (which I am very good at doing) my heart can't thrive, live or heal. It stunts me. I embraced being sad. Even in the unknowing.  Jesus would have to be something for my heart that I couldn't be for myself, and I wasn't about to try.

I kept bleeding, having to keep an eye out for tissue. I kept trying not to hope but, at the same time not to loose hope. How the heck does that even work?  I don't know. Up and down, back and forth, I felt like my heart was on the rack, being pulled in two extremes. I'd be at the sink doing dishes, and tears would start pouring down my face. I didn't even know how in the world to pray. My tears were my heart praying, only what He knew I needed to say. I started feeling stressed that maybe I had caused all this because I was freaked out at the thought of being pregnant again. My mom told me that if that were the case, half of the people alive right now, wouldn't be. It kind of made me giggle. 

After several days, my bleeding pretty much stopped although the cramping continued. It was all so weird. I took a digital test and "not pregnant" showed up. I thought I would be ok. I mean, it's not like I was 20 weeks pregnant or something. No, the heart is an amazing thing and mine had bonded with this baby or the idea of this baby, lightening fast. The little face that I had started to picture, was gone. I had blocked some of my heart from emotion and, my strongest wall couldn't hold it back now. The next couple of days were the roughest. I still had cramping and some pregnancy symptoms. It was like a cruel joke. Out of the blue, heavy, silent and sometimes loud wails started to buckle me over. This is a different kind of sadness. I don't really have a grid for this. Those closest to me were and are a dream, encouraging me to take as long as I need to process and heal, however I need to. This is a journal entry the day I had taken the last test that showed negative. 

"I was sobbing really hard today, after I took another test. As I sat there, tears dripping from my face, non-stop, Káel walks over to me and lovingly started patting my leg with his little hand. Just like I pat his back after he's fallen and I hold him. He did this 3 different times. Comfort is precious and beautiful." 

In the backdrop of my mind, there's one part of my heart that has worried people won't know what to say to me, or will be awkward around me if they know what's been going on behind the doors of my heart. Quite honestly, I've felt awkward around me through this. But you know what, this is life. We were made for relationships and we walk through life together in all it's awesomeness and in all it's suckiness. Then another part of my brain thinks my pain is over dramatized. Which, apparently, I'm learning, is a pretty common feeling for women who experience loss, early on in their pregnancy. 

Is there beauty in this?  I can't see it in every moment. But, being real is beautiful. And for me, being heartbroken is real.  I can truly say, as I'm still processing everything, that beautifulness has and is coming from this experience. It's awful, but now my heart can more understand others who have experienced loss, in a way that I would never have been able to fully empathize with or relate to. I've got a gapping hole inside my heart. Who'd have thought something so brief and small, could leave that large of wanting. But, for every emotion of pain that I've felt and feel, there is a tangible promise and reality of love and goodness that I am embracing and throwing myself into. Grace.

Now I know that my heart can be excited about having another baby without fear or hesitation. 

The past couple of months, I've been reading the book "1000 Gifts" which has been a life line of good to my soul and even giving my heart the cush for this confusing time. The author says at one point in the book that everything is grace. It is. Everything is grace, the good, the pain, the beauty, the awful, the bearable, even the unknown. Even in the middle of all this crap, I look around and I see so much wonderful. So much love. So much grace. My son and his thriving sweetness, good Lord! My husband and his heavenly devotion and encouragement, my family, my amazing community and the friends of my heart that are as constant and bright as stars. So much beauty, so much new life, and that makes me happy. I've purposed my heart to not live in an unrealistic dream land through all of this though. If I need to feel sad, that's ok. Loving the good doesn't mean I don't acknowledging the hurt. I can mourn and process all the emotion of not understanding and letting go while seeing the kisses blow my way.

"Well little darling, you were like a small breeze. You came and went. But, you created a storm of love in my heart. This has been so hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't get to hold you and kiss your face. Maybe I will one day? I love you my wee little Windland. Goodbye. -Momma"

I wrote this blog not knowing if I'd ever press the publish button. I wrote it mostly just for my heart to process some thoughts and emotions. This is me being real, kind of raw and it's me being vulnerable. So, There are so many things in life I don't understand. This is one of a million of them. I have so many questions. "God is always good, and I am always loved." I believe this. I know this. (quote from 1000 Gifts)  I heard someone say recently that "There can be no music without tension." Unless a string is wound tight with tension the bow can't release the melodies. Unless there is tension, the fingers can't pluck out the notes. That right there has been on repeat in my mind. It doesn't explain anything really, but in a way it comforts me. This is my tension in life right now. I'm listening to hear the music. 

101 thoughts:

  1. Wow, your story is so similar to mine. Same swing of emotions, same heart break. I'm sorry this was a part of your life. Thank you for being real and open and for sharing with others. You put into words things I barely even said to my closest friends.

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  2. oh Jess... words aren't adequate in this situation to express how sorry I am for what you're going through. I've lost two babies myself, and it is hard to explain to anyone how you feel unless it's another mama who has been through it herself. There is no doubt, Daddy God uses all of this for a purpose; there is no waste in this life he created and then took to Himself FOR HIS GLORY.

    Let me tell you a story.

    A dear friend of mine's father (a lifelong preacher, with a legacy of a family in love with Jesus) was in hospice and during his last hours, quite lucid - in and out of eternity it seemed. His brother - an anointed teacher and pastor himself, said that he felt in holding his hand he was getting a glimpse into Heaven... Anyway, his father was seeing things and sharing them in and out of sleep... at one point he saw people who had gone before him praying for him... and another time he kept talking about "all the babies"... the family sat and listened and kept trying to figure out what he meant. Then they realized, one of his granddaughters (now a midwife) had lost a few babies... HE WAS SEEING THEM IN HEAVEN... when I heard this story I just bawled... it was like God just soothing my soul... the grieving is not in vain, it is because as mothers we connect with this life inside of us way before they enter the world. Allow yourself to grieve and experience all that comes to you as the Lord will glorify himself in that.

    Be comforted and rest, sweet one.

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  3. "I love you little windland" - most precious thing I've read. You are a sweet, beautiful momma.

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  4. Oh jess, I just want you to know that I cried and mourned with you during all of this. You over there and me over here. Even though we didn't speak because I wanted to give you your space, I felt the pain with you. You are so dear to my heart, I hope you know this. As I sit here, tears running down my face, and feel your vulnerability, I understand even more why God brought us together. We are connected. You are a blessing and I love you. Thank you for being who you are, a real woman with real emotions. You will touch many women with this, as you have touched me. xoxo

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  5. Beautiful heart. I'm so glad you wrote this. I've been weeping with you from afar and I love you so much.

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  6. @ivelisse <3 i love you so much! you are such a special sparkle in my heart!

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  7. @kristina i love you so much more than i can say. our talk the night before it happened helped carried me so much. <3

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  8. Praying over your broken heart. I have felt just a moment of these emotions after I was bleeding for weeks with my son. It was the most emotional, heart wrenching, terrible time of my life and I am so so sorry you have to go through this.

    I pray that God wraps you in his arms and rocks your heart to rest. Although your babe was only in your womb for a short while, they had a purpose. No soul, no matter how small, will ever be forgotten...you will meet them someday. All my sympathy to you!

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  9. I'm sitting here in heras for you, Jess. I know that might seem weird because we don't know each other besides me reading your blog ... But I felt to write you. Tears are a language that He's given to us, I agree fully. I'm praying for you as you mourn. I'm so thankful you have Kael. My son Chase helped my heart heal in little ways after we lost our daughter. I said then, and even know, that ti felt like the tangible presence of Jesus, helping heal my heart and remind me of joy. I'm truly praying for you as you process, grieve and let each wave of emotion come over you. Xoxo Jami

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  10. oh jess, there are no words but my heart is mourning for you. I've followed along with your blog(s) for a while now, that i feel like I "know" you. You've been someone I've looked up to and respected, as I do now more than ever. I know Father will comfort you and tears will bring healing. Praying for you through this season. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being raw. You are such a beautiful soul. -breanne

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  11. This really touched me. I have been following your story for a year now and when I started I had hopes of starting our family soon after. We had our first positive pregnancy test and I was so overwhelmed with joy. 3 weeks later and 2 ultrasounds showed that my body and nature had other plans for us. I was devasted. I felt worthless, broken and guilty that I couldn't give Charlie something he wanted badly as well. For months I was angry at everyone who had children, I was frustrated and confused. It's an awful feeling that took me a long time to start coming to terms with.

    And today, the day you post this beautiful and heartfelt entry, is 2 days after I miscarried for a second time. Like you to a degree, I was super stressed at first, thinking for certain there was no way I had healed emotionally and physically. Thinking and putting pressure on myself to complete this pregnancy (as though I had any real control). And also being so scared out of my mind of losing it again that I exclaimed through sobs to my husband, "I don't want this baby."

    But now I sit here, reading about your loss and just wanting to put my arms around you. Even in a dark moment like this, I can tell you that you have the right attitude and are a strong woman. But I also know that sometimes in the quiet of your house and soul it still stings and, I can tell you, when that happens, don't hold back anything. Just let go.

    You don't know me and I don't know the exact purpose of this reply. But, I felt I needed to reach out and put my hand on your shoulder.

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  12. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's something I hope I never have to experience, but it's so comforting to know there are women out there vulnerable and brave enough to share their hurt so that others can relate to it and be comforted in it. You are strong and beautiful.

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  13. Oh, Jess... **HUGGGGG** I feel like I don't even want to write a comment because this is the moment when words run dry. Just know that in my mind's eye I'm sitting beside you in silence right now. And I am praying hard, prayers without English for you and your family.

    Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for choosing love and choosing HOPE against all odds. This is what our Father does. I always find that he is most beautiful to me when he chooses this vulnerability and lets all of the emotions crash over and through him. And so are you. <3

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  14. Thanks for sharing your <3. God's peace that passes ALL understanding surround you and yours. XXOO

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  15. I hope it's not wrong to say this is a beautiful post, the words and your feelings that you show is this post are beautiful. I am so sorry you had to go through this, my heart aches for you. *many hugs* sent your way!

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  16. I'm so sorry. Praying for you! You will hear the music soon :)

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  17. thank you so much for your words of comfort, your prayers and your sweetness! <3

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  18. I cried for you! I obviously dont know what it is like (am not even married) but my mom had 3 Miscarriages between me and my brother. SO I definatly know how sad you are, just remember that one day you will meet him or her in heaven and it will be gloriouse! LOVE you so much <3

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  19. Jess, I can absolutely sympathize with with you....I am so sorry for your loss :( David and I went through this not very long ago and it was the most painful thing to go through...But Papa God has your little on in His arms, safe and beautiful. We are praying right along side you and Sam for the process. Love you

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  20. beatrice, thank you sweet love! (((hug)))

    @therealtruth i'm so sorry for you guys. thank you for your prayers <3 comfort for you guys too. :)

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  21. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I too had a miscarriage that began over Labor Day weekend 2010. We had not even been trying to get pregnant, but it happened and we were a little freaked at first, but then everything was ok. I fell so much in love with the little being inside me and when I started bleeding I felt my stomach drop. I just stared. My throat was tight. I burst into tears and didn't know what to do. We hadn't told anyone yet about being pregnant. I called my husband at work crying. Eventually I got a hold of my mom and sadly that's how she found out we were even pregnant to begin with. I know I'll see my Little One some day and get to give him all the kisses I never got to give him here on earth. But God is awesome because THIS year, on Labor Day weekend, my contractions started. And on Labor Day Monday I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, Jude. He is now 3 months old and we love him to pieces. It was hard, but such an experience in faith and trust. You are definitely in my prayers. <3

    -Trinity King

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  22. such a beautiful, real post - thank you for sharing. I went through a scare with my own pregnancy and I'll never forget those unbearable, overwhelming feelings. It truely is amazing how something so small, that you can't even see or touch, takes up so much of your heart. Stay strong and lean on your friends and family.

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  23. Thank you for sharing... I have not experienced this myself but you have helped me understand some of what my dear friends have been through... Blessings to you and your family x

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  24. Oh Jess, this post is a beautiful reminder that we all have heartache in our lives. I am sad that baby isn't with us and my heart mourns with yours. I love you and am always here for you.

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  25. I am so sorry, Jess. My heart hurts for you. I wish I could hug you, and bring over hot tea and we could watch our babies play and I could just BE THERE to help, in whatever trivial way possible. You are so strong and so brave in sharing your pain with us, readers that feel like they know you, and know that they love you. I'm reading the same book right now, and the Lord definitely put that book in your hand when He did, so it's powerful words about grace could ignite your heart and then soothe your soul later. Please know that I'm praying for you, for your heart and for the peace I know you'll have.

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  26. Oh Jess, I am so very sorry...my heart it breaking for you. Praying that God continues to hold you close love.

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  27. Oh Jess, I am so very sorry...my heart it breaking for you. Praying that God continues to hold you close. my thoughts are with you love.

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  28. Jess,
    I am so sorry that you have had to endure this kind of loss. I can remember after Caleb was born, that I wanted a houseful of babies. We tried so hard to get pregnant again. After 3 years of trying, I learned I was pregnant. I was over thrilled, I was giddy with joy! Then one morning I went to the bathroom and blood was on my paper. I cried as I knew that this is not a good sign! I called the doctor and he had me come in for a sonogram. By the time I got into the doctors office, the sonogram showed no growth since the 7th week. My baby was gone, just in a snap! I cried, mourned, screamed, and cried even more! I couldn't understand why our God, who is a good God couldn't make my baby okay. But it wasn't meant to be. I believed in my heart that my baby was a little girl and we named her Gabrielle Diana. So once we got the okay from the doctor that we could begin trying again, we were estatic. After 6 months of trying, I found out I was pregnant again. We were overjoyed, but doubt and fear were in my every thought. I didn't want anything to happen again. At 11 weeks, I have to go to the bathroom, something didn't feel quite normal and There was a ton of blood! I screamed out for God to do something but after 2 weeks of laying flat on my back, I lost this baby as well. I hemorraged at home and lost alot of blood and wasn't sure that I was even going to live. I saw Caleb's face and knew that I had to be strong for him. He still needed me and I needed him. I went through severe depression and I was severely mad at GOD. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to be a christian any longer if God was allowing me to go through this crap. After, 6 weeks, I still angry went up for prayer at church and had my pastor pray for me. I cried so hard and repented to the Lord for my anger towards Him. Around 6 months, I missed my period again. Afraid to take a test, I called the doctor to see what he wanted me to do. I went in for a check, and I was 6 weeks pregnant. Again, fear and doubt set in right away. I found a book written by Dr. Jack Hayford, called "I will See You In Heaven". I began reading the book and I realized that because of sin nature of Adam & Eve in the garden, we are not perfect and must endure heartbreak, but that my babies are in heaven and that I will see them again and that they will know me and I them. This brought much comfort to me and my spirit. I knew that God never wanted us to suffer heartbreak but because of sin we do. At 10 weeks, I saw the spotting! I cried and tried to remain calm, but I knew that this baby, too was destined to be with the Lord and not in my arms. I asked the Lord for one thing. TO let my body do what it was supposed to do and deliver this baby without having a d & c. (I had 2 d&c's with the other 2 pregnancies). Within 45 minutes, I was in full blown labor and my body passed a little boy- to perfect for this world. The second baby was a boy as well. So we name the boys Abraham Josiah, and David James. My three sweet babies in heaven before I was able to hold them in my arms. Eddie kept rubbing my forehead after the labor subsided. Honey, I love you and you will be pregnant before your birthday. This was April 29th and my birthday was june 11th.

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  29. There was no way. My birthday came and went and I was not pregnant (or so I thought!) We all got the stomach flu and Eddie and Caleb got better but I didn't. I kept the yucky feeling. I went to the doctor and he wanted to do a pregnancy test and I told him I was not pregnant. So he let me go home without doing one. Another two weeks and I was still sick. I went back to the doctor and he was insistant on doing a pregnancy test. I told him I have been to sick to be pregnant, you have to do something to get pregnant. SO I gave him a urine sample and guess what?? I was pregnant but the doctor told me that I was 12 weeks along already. So you see I was pregnant before my birthday. Probably the only time we did anything. Anyway, Micah was born 9 weeks premature and weighed 3 lbs. 7oz. He was a miracle baby. And three years later I gave birth to Seth. God is faithful and He knows your hurt. Do not be afraid to give the hurt to HIM. He is a good and loving Father who holds our hearts tenderly in HIS hands. I am praying for you and Samuel. I am praying that God will give you more children soon. One of the things we did was, we planted a tree for each child that we lost. Now they are big trees. Hard to believe how big. I am always available if you need or want to talk. My love towards you is great and I am here if you need me.

    Much love to you all as you go through this difficult time.
    Love,
    Melissa Rzeszutek

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  30. Oh Jess! Such sadness seems almost unbearable. Hugs from the green mountains. I had a miscarriage as well, 11 years ago and you will never fully shake that loss. While that baby no longer grows in your belly, that baby will always grow in your heart. It does get easier, day by day. Hug your son, kiss your husband, call your girlfriends, cry whenever you need. May peace find you stranger friend ♥

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  31. Oh Jess, I had not idea! :( I love that line, "There can be no music without tension." It's so good to know that alongside pain comes beauty... <3

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  32. Oh Jess, I am so very sorry...my heart it breaking for you. Praying that God continues to hold you close. My prayers and thoughts are with you...love you.

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  33. my heart aches for you Jess, knowing your pain...somehow God gives you an amazing strength to get through this. Only God and time will heal your heart, but there will always be a little place inside where you hold onto that fragile love you felt for that short time...thinking of you and praying for you and Sam xxx

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  34. i am in sweet tears reading all of your comments and prayers. so beautiful. thank you guys! <3

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  35. I so identify with your pain! Before I had the two amazing children I have today, I lost two precious ones. Both within 3 months of each other. It was a pain like I had never experienced, and I had experienced pain. I love the way you describe your unborn child as a "breeze that came and went" yet he or she created a storm of emotions. It's a perfect description of the heartbreak of miscarriage. My heart aches for you but I also know that Jesus is holding all of our sweet babies..and we will meet again.

    Love this quote - “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving quotes

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  36. @sarah i love those quotes so much. <3

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  37. So much truth, and so much love.
    Your readers' hearts are swollen alongside yours. Sending positivity your way.

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  38. i am so sorry, jess. my thoughts are with you right now!

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  39. not sure what to say...only what everyone else has said; i'm sorry. and I do feel it in my heart for you...the sorrow.

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  40. I had two miscarriages before my daughter came along. I understand your pain, and I am so, so sorry for your loss.

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  41. You are a brave and strong woman for posting this, for sharing your pain and loss. There is one thing my mom told me when I was little that I've lived by since I can remember, especially in the troubling times, "Tomorrow is a better day". Life is completely the yin and the yang. Just when you think today is at it's worst, tomorrow you will look back at today and realize you persevered. You came out on the other side and usually with a renewed sense of clarity and wisdom.

    You are absolutely right that there is beauty in pain. For, those who have suffered most and can still smile are the most radiant. Some children fulfill God's purpose without having been born and their purpose is the greatest.

    Sending you love and light and hopes of comfort and peace through these California winds.

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  42. Jess,
    I'm so very sorry to hear about your miscarrage, I will be praying for you and Samuel, you are such a great writer have you considered maybe a book?

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  43. My heart breaks for you. Praying for you Jess, praying for Jesus to hold you close in His warm embrace. Always amazes me how God can use the hard times to help us relate to others we wouldn't have been able to reach before hand. Sending love and prayers your way

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  44. I'm so sorry, Jess, that you are going through this!! Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully on here. It is so touching and powerful. I love you so much! And I'm thinking of you and praying for you often <3

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  45. Wish I knew what to say. This was a beautiful post, in all it's pain, and I know you know who is holding your hand. Praying peace for you. I'm so sorry.

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  46. So heartbreaking, yet so beautiful. Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry you've been in so much pain. I'm praying that God will heal you through this quickly and I seriously cried at the sweetness of Kael comforting you. Fortunately, someday you will be able to meet the little him or her...and in Heaven they will be perfect! <3

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  47. Oh, darling, I was wondering where you'd been...I'm so sorry x

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  48. It's hard to come up with the right words. I'm sorry, Jess.

    p.s. Will you accept care packages from readers? Let me know. <3

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  49. This blog was written so beautifully about something so heart-wrenching and a topic which most people will keep "hush hush." Thank you...

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  50. My heart breaks for you, sweet mama. You are such a brave and beautiful soul. I am so sorry that you are having to experience this pain. You are in my thoughts...

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  51. Oh Jess..... Oh Jess, oh Jess, oh Jess. My heart mourns for you. I'm so sorry that you had to join this awful club. I had a miscarriage a year ago and it's still tough.

    If you ever need an understanding ear, my email is harper.elisabeth@gmail.com and I'm also local if you needed a shoulder to cry on. I understand.

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  52. Jess, my heart grieves this loss with you. You are wise to allow yourself mourning, for all that you knew, all that you didn't know, for all that you hoped. It is a real loss. It is so valid.

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  53. Jess,
    I can;t tell you how incredibly sorry I am for you and your family. You show an amazing amount of strength in your words. I will be praying for you all.
    -Jenn Davis
    I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared.
    Exodus 23:20

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  54. Jess, my heart utterly breaks for you. You are able to put so eloquently the emotions that accompany loss. I had 6 miscarriages before the birth of my daughter and it truly doesn't matter how early or far along you are in a pregnancy, the connection is there. Praying for healing and peace for you and Sam and that you all would even be able to rejoice in the life that was even though it was short. Much love!

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  55. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you are surrounded by loved ones. I wish you all the best.

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  56. My heart is breaking for you. In fact, reading this post brought up pain and sadness that I had buried away for years. I know how this hurts. I know how bad the what ifs are. I also know how awful it is to take that second pregnancy test only to see a negative sign.
    Oh God. The tears are flowing for you love.

    How fantastic that Ann Voskamp's words and God's enduring promises were so much a part of your life at this time. How gratuitous to have a beautiful boy to love and fill your days with.

    I don't understand miscarriage. I suppose it is one of those things I never will.

    I feel so blessed that I came over here and read this post today Jess. While I didn't ever want to feel those feelings again..your words have struck me deep and I am filled with gratitude that you shared.

    Ann wrote: "I only deepen the wound of a hurting world when I neglect to give thanks".

    Tonight, you are hurting. And I am reminded yet again to give thanks.

    I thought I would never be a mom. Instead, 10 months after my miscarriage, I was pregnant again. Another precious soul.
    This time, she stayed with me. I am giving thanks for that.

    Sweet Jess, my prayers are with you and your loved ones.

    I thank you, so many times, for posting this.

    -Jamie

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  57. Jess, as I read all of the other comments from your friends and blog readers, I am struck by how quickly God is using the great pain you have endured. He never allows us to go through such deep hurt that He doesn't plan to use it for His glory and your eventual good. May He bless you and your family sweetly. Thanks for sharing your heart and vulnerability. Hugs! Melanie Shoemaker (went to school with your mom)

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  58. I'm so sorry, Jess. In two weeks, I will pass my 2-year anniversary of my miscarriage, and I can assure you that while the pain never truly goes away, closure does come with time. All I can do is send you virtual hugs & well wishes, but please know that I (and so many anonymous others) are praying for you & wishing you all the best. Hang in there!

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  59. <3 my heart keeps being overwhelmed by love from you all. thank you so much!

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  60. reading your dear and precious post has made my heart break for you and your family jess. i think you are an incredible person with so much ability to really "speak" to people. my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time of needing. chin up sweet friend, God is good and he will lift you up. xoxo...t

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  61. I am so sorry. Grieve your loss as long as you need to, and dont let anyone take that away from you.

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  62. beautifully written and honestly shared. we suffered 2 miscarriages and then 5 years of infertility before having our precious babies. You are not at all over dramatizing the feelings. Once you know you are pregnant I believe that you connect in a huge way and to suffer that loss at 4 or 8 or 12 wks is the same. It's painful, it's loss, it's grieving, it's sadness. Praying for you as you walk through this time of mourning and allow the Lord to show you the eucharisteo (sp?) in this season of loss. blessings.

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  63. Thank you for opening up and sharing so eloquently about such a painful experience. Your writing is truly beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I feel like stumbling upon your blog today has been some sort of divine circumstance--I'm coming up on the anniversary of my own miscarriage, 3 years ago now, and it's still heavy in my heart. Your words were a welcome reminder that the heartbreak we feel individually connects us to women all over the world who have been through similar experiences. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  64. You are truly a blessing to this world. Your words, your thoughts, your passion.

    As you continue to find the gifts in joy and sadness we will continue to see the gifts in ours.

    Thank you for sharing this experience. Your strength is our strength.

    Keep flowing.

    Much love.

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  65. I'm so sorry Jess. I want to thank you for sharing this with us. So often misscarriage it not talked about but it is something so many of us will go through. I am currently trying to concieve my first baby & the thought of misscarriage is always in the back of my mind, i wonder if somehow this is holding me back?
    Thank you again & my thoughts & prayers are with you.
    Monica

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  66. Jess,
    You are an incredibly beautiful writer and the expression of your heart brought tears to my eyes...I am so grateful to our sweet, sweet Lord that you are experiencing His grace in such a real and tangible way. XO.
    Much love,
    Tiffany.

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  67. my heart aches for you. i am an avid reader of your blog and check back frequently, and when you had not updated for a while i had a pang of fear for you that something was wrong. i prayed each time i checked back and didn't see an update. and now i have tears pouring down my face for you.
    i am so sorry you had to feel this loss. last year, when i was still pregnant, my mom found out she was also pregnant and we were overjoyed. then at 7 weeks she miscarried and it was devastating. she had a hard time not feeling awkward around other women, but she realized how open everyone was about their experiences and how much love poured out. you will see the sweet face in Heaven when you get there, and i am praying for you guys.

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  68. Jess, I had missed you online and wondered if you had gotten taken up with your doll business. My partner told me I should write to you and tell you I missed your voice. Then you wrote. My love, birth and death. Two of the most profound moments in this life. Your grace is uplifting. You are a beautiful writer. I imagine you from my spot in Brooklyn, feel your heart working through this and know you will come through stronger than before. You are an inspiration lady. Love you. Aliya

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  69. oh goodness, I am so sorry. This a such a beautiful post, you have an amazing heart.

    ♥Samarah

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  70. I was wondering why you hadn't posted for a while, and kept checking every day to see if you had come "back"; I'd assumed you were preoccupied with your doll-making. I am so, so, sorry to hear the news - much love to you, and may you find comfort in your faith, family, and friends. Thank you for sharing your deepest heart stirrings with us...

    Naj

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  71. "I kept trying not to hope but, at the same time not to loose hope. How the heck does that even work? I don't know. Up and down, back and forth, I felt like my heart was on the rack..." Man, I so relate.

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  72. p.s. this is hannah's sister, not hannah. :o(

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  73. Your heart is full of love, so open and you are just beautiful. This post was incredible and I'm so, so deeply sorry that this has been your reality. I'm so sorry. Reading how you have found the good in this situation absolutely made me smile. You're amazing.

    With love,
    Bekah in Dallas~

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  74. I was checking your blog daily waiting for a new post. I'm so sorry about your loss. You are a wonderful women who inspires others. All my love to you, Sam and forest boy
    love Jem

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  75. I can feel you! i feel EXACTLY the same when i realized i was pregnant. I felt scared at first, and then excited later on for the developing life inside me.. I grew to love her more than my self..

    Here I am keeping all of her pictures since her birthday. http://www.babypics.com/

    Goodluck to your pregnancy.. Excited for you :)

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  76. Jess, I follow your blog, but I don't comment often. Your words though just really crawled into my heart. I can identify with your sorrow SO much. Our first pregnancy was unexpected, unplanned... but my, that baby was so loved. We were newly weds, my husband was being deployed to Iraq for a year. A nurse kindly made it possible for us to have an ultra sound at 8 weeks--3 days before my husband left. He lovingly packed those images in his Bible as the last thing that went in his ruck sack. 4 weeks later I started bleeding. An ultra sound revealed our baby died around the same time my husband left. We were devastated. There are no words for the pain. I randomly heard Natalie Grant's song "Held" on a station I never listen to. It really helped me heal. (http://youtu.be/iOufqWodFNo)

    Jess, you are in my prayers. Thank you so much for being so real. (((HUG)))

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  77. Dear Jess,
    I've felt like I know you personally ever since I saw you on "Girl Meets Gown." :) I've read your blog ever since, & it's for times like this when you've opened your heart. I am praying for you, dear sister in our Jesus. I am so sorry for your pain; my heart aches for you even though I've never been a mother. But I believe you'll meet your little Windland one day, and for now, that little love has reminded you that you have a loving heart that can be excited for another baby. And that, I know you'd agree, is beautiful.

    May God give you an increasing amount of comfort & peace & hundreds of hugs from your friends & family. You are a beautiful soul! I'm so glad to "know" you. <3

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  78. I'm so sorry for your loss Jess. Thankyou for sharing with pure honesty and raw emotion, I'm sure Many mothers out there's feel your pain and empathize.
    Much love to you and your family.

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  79. Beautiful post. I have been there three times myself. It's hard to put into words the true emotions you feel while going through this, but you did a fabulous job!!

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  80. Oh sweet dear, you will NEVER forget that little life, and there's nothing wrong with celebrating it and mourning it. Take some time with your husband to be Mama and Daddy to the life you lost-- name it, praise God for it, and then thank God for taking care of it forevermore. Never let anyone tell you it's not a big deal. You're a Mama and you know how big of a deal that baby was. But, at the same time, rejoice that God is taking care of that little one in heaven and that you have a beautiful, still-growing family with you now.

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  81. Jess,
    You are so sweet and so precious. I've always felt like Jesus pulls us the closest to Himself in times of grief and sorrow. I think that's why the word says that He catches our tears. The intimacy that you have to have with someone to actually catch their tears is something that has to be so strong and so rich. He's such an awesome Father, and your sweet little one is resting and rejoicing in those same arms that are holding you right now.
    Love to you,
    Jami

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  82. wow... and thank you so much for being real. in the blogging world it is easy to put up a front and make ones life appear beautiful. i find it much more worthy to take down the barriers and let the raw beauty grow. grace is alive in your experience, no doubt, and i thank you for sharing it.
    ive never experienced miscarriage, but just reading your story, among others, allows my empathy to grow. everyone gains we an individual shares their unique perspective.
    i pray for healing and soothing, for you and the soul that came, and went.
    i what you say at the end about music coming from tension. this has always been so true in my life.
    blessings ~ lis

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  83. I am thinking we have never met, however between stories shared by my dear friend Whisper Dempsey and all I have read, there are strange feelings of closeness. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG right now. There were 2 instances that I would wear that word like an neon sign, and now years later still never know what it is like to feel life grow with in me. It the pain of loss will ebb and slowly fade to a misty dream. Please know that I am praying for you often. Big Hugs & Blessings Frances

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  84. Jess, thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I know all to well the pain & loss you are a facing. Please know in time it does ebb and begin to fade and you guys will create a "new normal" Give yourself permission to grieve. May the LORD continue to bless & comfort you. Big Hugs & Blessings

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  85. I just wanted to say how sorry I am this has happened to you and how brave you are for opening up so fully about your experience. Like so many of the people commenting here I also suffered an early miscarriage and it truly is a unique pain. I fell pregnant on our first month of trying, got so excited had my first midwife appointment, then started miscarrying a few hours after. This was in August and we are still trying, but no luck yet. My period is due Christmas day so hoping for a little miracle, but what makes me sad is that now the joy of a positive test will turn to fear it will happen again.

    Reading your post really touched me as you summed up how I felt so eloquently; its the loss of the hope and expectations of that little life inside you that still sometimes upsets me, I wonder what they would have looked like, I imagine all the possibilities that no longer exist. But I try and tell myself that everything happens for a reason, to trust in my body that it wasn't the right time and one day it will be and I'll hold my baby in my arms.

    You are clearly such a strong and positive person and you will get through this and while that little life will still be carried around in your heart, the wright of its presence will ease over time.

    Much love
    Rhiannon
    (A long time lurker of your blog)

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  86. Rhiannon, I am so sorry. I know what your heart is going through. And let me tell you, since writing that post, the same fear you voiced about being afraid to get pregnant again just to go through loss again has started to terrify me. So, my heart is right there with you. I SO hope you get a little Christmas surprise, that would be so amazing. As far as being strong, The past 2 weeks I have never felt weaker in every area of my life. My family, my faith, my mothering. Everything. They say God can be seen easier in review mirrors? I hope so. <3 Letting our hearts heal and mourn at their own pace i think is the biggest key. New joy will come soon. <3 love you girl. thank you for writing this and sharing such a tender part of your heart. <3

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  87. I have been a lurker on your blog for a while. I had this exact same experience three years ago. I could have written this same post word for word. However, I did write this afterwards:

    Little one,
    I ache that it won't be my finger you will grasp,
    As you take those tottering first steps.
    But awed that you will be grasping the gentle finger of God.
    You were here in secret mystery,
    And left taking with you a mother's hope.
    But not her love which is connected by an unbreakable cord.
    Instead of being born in innocence and into pain,
    You are carried gently to a place,
    Where the dirt of the world will never marr your soul.
    But rather your soul and self,
    Will become all that it's meant to be without contamination.
    God takes joy over you
    And all the intricasies of who you are.
    You are His delight.
    He spent as much time creating you,
    As someone who spends years going gray here.
    With an eternal purpose.
    And you will bloom and grow in a place of perfect love,
    Becoming all you were designed to be.
    And one day, I will meet you, my wonderful child.
    God's perfection in you.
    I will run to my child,
    And hold you as I have been waiting to do.
    I am always your Mommy.
    And I so love you.

    And then two years after that, I did get pregnant again. And this baby is my sweet Tessa. She is also a miracle baby as she was born with a large tumor that could have killed her. She is completely healthy and unscathed at 18 months, and full of mischief and life. We know God protected her and worked a miracle. God loves us, but just as importantly, He abundantly cares for our children.
    Blessings,
    Jenny

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  88. I'm so sorry, Jess. I was drawn into your story because it was so similar to my own, my first pregnancy--8 years ago. We found out we were pregnant, then three days later, I started bleeding--like you. We had just told my parents. It was Christmas. My heart was broken and I had only known this baby for 3 days.

    I now have two healthy daughters, and I had thought that the grief from that first loss was gone, but as I read your final goodbye to your baby, all the pain rushed back and my eyes filled with tears. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like the hardest part was feeling so alone in all of the pain. I hope you know that you are not alone.

    Blessings on you and your family.

    vanessa

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    1. thank you so much for sharing this. my heart has felt so much more comforted hearing stories like yours, that there are other girls who know exactly what's happened. thank you so much. <3 <3 <3

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  89. Dear Jess!
    Thoughts and prayers all the way from Australia that the Lord will comfort you and your family and carry you through this time.

    In the Bible, Job lost all He had, and yet his testimony was 'For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole.'. And I pray that as the Lord worked in Job, He will bind you up and make you whole, filling your sweet heart with peace and joy, and multiplying your love to those around you.

    I am 20 and have not known this sort of pain in my shorter life, but a dear friend of mine who was married a year ago just lost a baby, and I will share with you what she shared with me. My friend Joy shares that through this time, the Lord tested their hearts about committing the whole process of having a child to Him. Joy told me that as a couple, they needed to come out of their own desires and expectations and hand their family over to God fully. They will carry and nurture the child that the Lord has chosen and gives them to them in HIS perfect time. And you can be sure of that too Jess. You might be fearful of your heart breaking again, but know that you don't have to worry, when you commit it to Him, and say 'Your will be done!'.

    So know as you mourn and are surrounded by His love and the love of the ones that He has given into your life that the Lord will comfort you and commit your family to Him as He will increase your joy.

    Thank you for sharing with all of your friends and readers. You have such a sweet heart and family, and are a blessing to others as you walk though the stages of your life.

    Much love from your Australian sister,
    Laura :D

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  90. when you said you didn't even know how to pray ... i thought of Romans 8 "The Spirit intercedes for us with grunts to deep for words." Something like that :)

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  91. I'm so blessed by your realness - there truly is beauty in being real. Your shining light of faith and trust in the Lord even through the most heartbreaking of circumstances is, and will continue to be a ministry to so many. There is no strength to be gained from ourselves, only to admit that we are weak and our strength is found in Him. I hope you are continuing to take time for yourself to heal.

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  92. thank you for this. last year, i went through a similar thing. It went as fast as it came. I am so glad to know, that there are other women who have been through similar sadness.
    thank you so much for being you, and being real!
    -m

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  93. Thank you for putting into words what I wasn't able to after my miscarriage. Every sentence hit so close to home I felt like you had stolen my thoughts and artfully penned them in a way I couldn't.
    Congratulations on your Newest Pregnancy, also!

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  94. Thank you for pushing the publish button. Two weeks ago I lost a baby in my 13th week. I am still reeling & healing. This post helped.

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    1. oh love, i'm crying thinking about you going through this. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry you lost your sweet baby and i'm sorry your heart is aching. take as much time as you need to cry, be angry or just quiet. someone told me to look up the 7 steps of grieving and that helped me give myself a break and just feel whatever I needed to in the moment. don't stuff any of your emotions. <3 i'm so sorry and my heart is humbled if in anyway anything i wrote helped your beautiful heart in any way.

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  95. Thank you Jess, your vulnerable words are what so many of us have felt and find so much comfort in knowing that others have walked through as well. God has used, and will continue to your little windland, and this post to touch the heart of other mothers going through their own loss. Your little one was not with out purpose.

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  96. Hi I just found your blog after searching for a blog on miscarriage...I see your blog is SO much more than that but your entries about going through a miscarriage early in your pregnancy are hitting home to me and really helped as I read your eloquent thoughts. Three weeks ago I went through a miscarriage myself. Thank you for using your gift of writing to help others, like me, as we're going through our own struggle.

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  97. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. I had the same experience on 5-10-10. I had taken a pregnancy test on 5-7/8 at midnight and lost our baby 2 days later. I had such a hard time feeling like what I had experienced deserved to be mourned, but it does because our baby is real. I know that I'll meet our little love in heaven someday. I'm so glad to finally have found someone who had a similar experience. You have been able to put words where I haven't been able to for 3 years. Thank you sister. I do still cry and think about our Josiah Elim often. Abba has been healing my heart and shown me love in ways I can't imagine. I pray for you and your sweet family the same. Blessings, sister!

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