Heart Talk: Pregnancy after Miscarriage

posted on: Sunday, May 27, 2012

27 week bump with my little handsome 
(Sometimes I hold back from writing certain things because I just don't know what is appropriate to share with such a large group of people and what isn't. But recently my mom encouraged me to write to my Gran, and my family in Texas because this blog is pretty much the only way they can tell what's going on in my daily life. So, here it goes, several bursts from my heart. It's going to be a jumbled mess...)

The past month or so has been so wonderful and so emotional on so many levels. Several sweet readers have written to me asking if I am alright or telling me that they miss my posts. First, thank you for asking. :) You are so kind and sweet. Nothing significantly crazy has happened. We are super good, the baby's healthy and Kael is thriving in his new stages of toddler-hood. I've been trying to be present in every moment with him, enjoying every second. I've been going through layer after layer of processing my own heart and trying to enjoy the moments, simple and extravagant alike. My hands have been busy making dolls. I love making things that make people happy. And, making some extra money on the side is pretty amazing, even if it's just a little. ;)

This pregnancy is the most precious time I've ever had in my life, and it's also the most delicate, confusing and quite honestly...painful time as well. Nothing can be helped, the fact is, immediately after I lost one baby another one started to thrive. One week,  I'm on top of the world, ready to write and create my heart out.  The next, I'll get lost in my thoughts as I stare out the window, washing dishes or typing a blog...then I'll just bend over and cry for 5 minutes because I still don't understand what exactly my heart is feeling. I'm fine on the outside, but I'm the strangest abstract painting of emotions on the inside.  So much so that I don't even get it.  I still miss the baby we lost in November. It's the silent fact that screams at me everyday.  It still feels like it was just a couple weeks ago and not 7 months. And yet, I have never felt more love for my new baby boy, don't think that any of that negative emotion is reflected on him. I feel that this pregnancy is more sacred and cherished to me, even more than Kael's was. Not because this baby is more special,  I just realize how fragile life really is on a new level now. 

I've battled with lots of fear the past months, I'm not gonna lie. That's hard for me because my whole life, I've never really struggled with that consuming emotion, not like this. Is fear even an emotion? I don't even know. Whatever it is, I constantly have to push through it. The other night I was getting ready for bed and I smelled something awful, similar to, but not exactly like the discharge I had the night before I started bleeding with our miscarried baby. My chest got tight, and I went to bed inwardly paralyzed with fear. Then I started cramping. (Which is pretty much a normal thing during pregnancy...especially round ligament like cramps/pain.) On top of that,  the baby decided to take a nap for a good 30 minutes and not move.... that combination had my heart racing. I couldn't sleep until I felt him wiggling again.  The next morning, I woke up to him trying to have a dance off.  I knew everything was fine. But, it's just that added tension that is wearing my heart out. The continual wondering, and constant bug eyed look when something feels off. 

A lot of the time, my mind, even when it's still, has these feelings and thoughts constantly running through them, even when no one else can tell. Sometimes, it feels like I need to overcompensate in my own being for the unsteadiness and unsolved concoction of emotions that I feel. Overall, I have always been a positive person. So, it's been really strange for me, in the long run, to daily deal with, well...a broken heart. I mean,  even as I write that one phrase, "broken heart," tears start filling my eyes so that I can't see what I'm typing. It's frustrating to me. I don't want this beautiful pregnancy, with my beautiful baby boy, to be all about what we lost, who we lost. That doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right. But then it doesn't seem fair to forget Windland and act like he or she never happened, does it?  I've tried to push the whole experience of us miscarrying to the furthest place in the back of my heart.  When I do that, it ends up building and smoldering, until it eats through all my happy times and it's worse. Then, I'll try and accept what my heart is going through. Then I feel like I'm obsessed with something so tragic and sad, not fully being able to rejoice in the moments.  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the oxymoron of being devastatedly crushed and being ecstatically elated at the same time.

I have a tendency to over analyze myself, to the point where it's just pretty much ridiculous. I've always longed to be the friend and person that is easy to be around, encouraging and no drama policy. Lately, I feel that when people see me, they see the naked, confused brain of mine, trying to figure herself out. Of course they probably don't, but another weight of pressure is placed on my heart by its own self. You know when you get a bouquet of roses or some sort of flower. Right when they are on their last leg you barley touch them and a blob of petals just fall to the table. That's what I feel like. I still have color, a little more droopy maybe than normal, but have any close contact with me of any real substance and a part of me will fall a part. Is that a good analogy? Well, it works in my brain and that what I feel like so often.

I'm not walking around like a big soppy mess. I promise.  My heart truly has been thriving and growing in joy and love in so many places lately. I really have been having some of the most precious, happy days lately... This new little dreamer of mine has truly been the sweetest gift. I can say that now. At first it all seemed like a cruel joke. What do you do with anger and grief when a new little life enters the middle of it, needing and deserving your joy and love? What do I do when every stage of him growing sweetly inside of me would be a kiss and a knife to my heart at the same time? Loving my heart to hope and goodness and then a reminder of what I would never feel with the little soul we lost. What do you do with that? "Oh, he moved SO strong just now!" Instantly my heart might linger to the place of, "I never got to feel my other baby move like that and I never will..." Yes, I know, why go there? Why torture myself? I don't know. I'm not doing it on purpose. Talk about being confused and feeling guilty. Can't you just enjoy the baby you have now? I am, I promise... How can I feel so empty and broken but so "my cup runneth over" at the same time?  Heck, I have no idea. It's a mystery to me.

Even with our sonogram of finding out if he was a boy or girl, it was tainted with fear. Finding out the sex of the baby wasn't in the forefront of my mind. I had prepared myself so hard for something to be terribly wrong, that when HE was healthy and strong, I was in shock for a good 2 days. Allowing my mind to just relax and enjoy was disturbingly difficult. Everything is just...different now. Everything. I just wanted to sit quietly somewhere and not talk. All I wanted was to think about what had just happened.  "My baby is ok. His heart is beating and it's healthy. He's alive. He's going to be alright. I'll actually get to hold him and kiss his face. It's alright Jess, this is real, it's not a mean joke."  But instead of just going with what I needed, I overcompensated to my own brain and forced a bouncy, happy, go lucky attitude. That means I'm happy about it, right? Oh, Jess...when will you learn just to be what you need to be in the moment instead of what you think you need to be. Don't get me wrong, it was a precious day that is one of my favorites. That looming factor is just there and sometimes I frustrate my own self. 

I had a long talk with Sam the other night. (I have the sweetest husband, seriously.) Well, more like he listened to me for 2 hours, verbally process all of this. He ended up telling me that he didn't think my heart had allowed itself to fully process, grieve  and realize all that had happened with losing something, no, someone so precious. I've somehow convinced myself that I'm just fine and dandy. The confusing and sad thoughts that invade my mind at many hours of the day don't count. I just mark the good and happy ones. Does that make sense? It's like I'm trying to control the feelings of my heart. It's like trying to hold back the late afternoon tide with an open 8oz sized plastic baggie. But, somehow in my mind, I'm convinced that works so, I do it again and again. Why am I verbally dumping so many raw thoughts right now? I don't know. Maybe because I can see how my heart has, in some small ways and in some big ways, already healed and mended back together in certain places the past 7 months and I want to have something to compare it to the next 7? I also know that sometimes my heart finds release when I journal and document what is going on. The first post I did helped me in countless ways. Maybe I am just a little desperate again...reaching a point to where I can finally admit to myself that I'm still walking through certain valleys of heartbreak. Grieving doesn't mean you're not rejoicing. It doesn't mean you don't see the good. In a way, I think it shows how much you cherish the good maybe? I've had several amazing hearts write to me asking me how I've coped, healed and walked through this chapter of life in miscarriage etc. I don't know. I feel like I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I will say that educating myself on healthy ways the human heart grieves and the importance of each stage was vital to me. Also, not pushing away the reality of WHO you lost was and is crucial. I wrote a letter to our lost baby at a certain point that released a huge part of my heart. (I still every once in a while will write Windland a note when I feel my heart needs to. I even pray sometimes that Jesus or angels or whoever does that in heaven will hold my baby extra close and kiss him or her goodnight for me. That may seem weird, and maybe it is, but for me it helps.)

I'm not writing this mile long blog to really do anything but let some of my thoughts escape from the cage of my brain and soul. Maybe some of the splatters from their impact on this screen will make sense to me later on and even seem beautiful in a way. I know it's a jumbled mess, and Lord I know it's wheezing in the "making sense" department. But, I felt that an update on the progression of my emotions with everything was needed. Maybe half of one of these long winded sentences might in a weird way encourage a girl having gone through something similar. Empathy. Just knowing someone else if feeling something close to what you are feeling can sometimes be more healing that a thousand encouragements. Sometimes empathy is the best gift. 

I will tell you that in the past few weeks, the reality of my new baby boy has hit me like a mac truck. I am so head over heels in love with him. For the first time in my entire pregnancy, I had a beautiful dream about him. I had a great birth, and experienced the first weeks of his sweet little life. It was precious. I actually saw his sweet face, crystal clear. We bonded. So much so that when I woke up, I was a little disappointed because it was so real that I reached over to our co-sleeper hold him and then I saw my belly. Haha. He is such a gift to my soul, more than I even understand. I cannot tell you how every fiber of my body yearns for that first moment when I get to hold him. I ache to feel his little self in my arms.

I'm so thankful this baby boy of mine is overly active in m'belly. I used to sigh and pray that Kael would be still for a little while so I could sleep more easily. Not with this baby! Every repetitive movement is therapy to my soul and a kiss to my heart telling me that he's ok. Every hiccup and flip has the effects of reminding me that he's coming, for real and so truly. He's my little gift, treasure and oh how I'm going to treasure every freaking second I have with him.

How do I sign off on this? haha. Um...well, I don't know. I kinda feel strange at the flow of this entry. Maybe I won't post it. Maybe I will.

Jess, feel what you need to. You're loving the best, most beautiful you can, your babies know that. Don't over think yourself please. If you need to take a 10 minute break and cry, do it. If you are enjoying the h*ll out of your day and your week of pregnancy, that's ok and fantastic! Love is love, through pain and through joy. You'll express it in tears, both happy and broken. You'll feel it in heartache and in new life. Let love just be love and go with it.

"...even darkness is light to you..." psalm 139

80 thoughts:

  1. What a difficult post this must have been for you to write...and yet probably just what you needed to do. I bet many others needed to hear it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think that it is good that you are writing down your feelings and talking about them with your hubby. Pregnancy (while wonderful) is a crazy time emotionally for any woman, your trauma on top of it just adds to it. When I was pregnant with my first son, I worried like a crazy woman. Like I've never worried before. I kept having nightmares that he was hideously ugly.(like I wouldn't have loved him anyway) I think hormones have a lot to do with it.

    Have a great weekend. BTW, my baby turned out to be the most gorgeous baby ever in the whole world. Now he is a cute teenager!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I know all too well how you are feeling. You are an amazing women and you are handling this beautifully even it feels beyond confusing. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beautiful post, as always. I'm so happy that everything is looking up for you in the coming months and that you're still allowing yourself the grieving time that you need. Whatever anyone ever says, that baby was not just a foetus for a few weeks. They are your child. And they are sitting with Jesus and watching over your whole family, waiting for the day that you are all reunited in Heaven.

    Have a great weekend :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much for sharing these raw thoughts and emotions. I experienced a loss at 14 weeks in Feb. It has been the most heartwrenching time in my life. I am not yet pregnant again, but your post really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh megan, i'm so sorry for the loss of your baby....i know it's beyond hard and painful. <3 i'm glad you could identify and relate in some way. <3

      Delete
  6. Wow, you are so brave!! Pregnancy can be so hard emotionally. you are so strong and beautiful! Your babies are so lucky to have such a great mom! xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jess thank you for opening yourself up to us. I lost my first pregnancy 2 years ago. It was a soul destroying time for me and I still grieve that wee babe. Sending you love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mmm....my heart hurts with yours that you loss your baby...thank you for your encouraging love.

      Delete
  8. I think it's so amazing that you posted such a raw, real blog post. It's sometimes (who are we kidding.. it's all the time) a little too easy to portray our lives in whatever way we wish on the internet and on all of our various social media networks. I am so happy you were brave enough to show us that this beautiful woman isn't always 100% happy and put together... it adds an extra level of respect that I can have for you now. Thank you. Can't wait to see pictures of your new little baby boy! http://youtu.be/QemZQKKJbRU

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw wow, thank you for writing this. raw and real is definitely most time the best. :) thank you so much! i can't wait to post those pictures!!!

      Delete
  9. Sweet, beautiful Jess!

    I am so proud of you. I am so amazed by you. I am so grateful for you. One of your gifts is so on display here, as you make yourself so beautifully and bravely vulnerable to so many people. You have gone through so much pain and yet walk in so much blessing and favor from the Lord, that many only see you as this almost "fairy tale" persona. But yet, once again, you have chosen a way to find something good in an otherwise bad situation by not just processing for yourself, but by sharing with others so that they too, can benefit from your pain and questioning. The commonality of our vulnerability to pain and our need to understand makes what you write so relatable to every reader. Thank you honey. Thank you for being who God made you to be: a beautiful ray of sunshine that breaks out of the darkest of clouds and shines on all around her to warm their hearts with her giving and precious childlike joy, hope and love. I love you so much sweetheart! ~ Momma

    ReplyDelete
  10. Girly. Sometimes, I feel like an eavesdropper since I don't know you, but I know your blog isn't limited to folks you know in person, so... I had so many thoughts while I was reading this. First and mostly, thank you for the raw rambling from your heart. It was intimate to read and we're made for this type of honesty. I look forward to that aspect of heaven so much. You reminded me of "Heaven Is For Real" and how he met his older sister without ever having known his mama had lost a daughter to miscarriage. And man, hearing you go on about your heart for Windland helps me see God's heart better. Sometimes I'm starved to feel those tender parts of his heart and reading this brought that sense closer to me. I've never gone through this but I could so relate to the emotions you describe. Your gracious heart to others is also evident in your writing. Thank you. Not everyone makes room in there lives for other people's hearts like that. Oh, and one last thing, your heart reminded me of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Happy Sunday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much for taking the time to write this note and connecting. i teared up reading your words...thank you for your heart and encouragement. :)

      Delete
  11. Pregnancy after a loss is so incredibly complicated - on that one hand, it demands that your are incredibly grateful that you conceived again, and on the other, it is still fraught with many of the emotions of the previous miscarriage. You describe it perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wow...this is a truelly opening. Thank you.
    I cant say I have the same experience, but in my life I have a few crushing episodes. And if I may say is - don't try to push it away or to forget. This is now a part of you. And how every day you're praying - I think this is the best way to live with your lost. You don't need some Jesus, Buddah either Allah. You're kissing your little angel every day with your pray. Empathy is always the key. I took just now a tear from you.
    Warm greetings.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I cried reading your post. Loved your honesty.
    You are and will be an amazing mother! Stay real!

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is so brave to write, and so good for your heart to write, Jess. I was wondering and have been praying for you guys for sometime now...thank you for opening up, and thank you for touching on something that is hard to walk through. Much love, much hugs, and I pray that you just rest in Jesus. <3

    you will be holding that beautiful sweet boy soon!!

    -Anne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much, you heart is so beautiful the way you encourage, thanks. thank you SO much for your prayers!

      Delete
  15. I LOVE that you pray for someone to hold and kiss your little one. Not weird at all....just lovely. And you know what? It happens, they do it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is a wonderful post. I have not lost a baby and I cannot imagine what it is like. We had a scare with out child right when he was born. Since then I am frightened to get pregnant again. I read about so much heartbreak and it makes me worry so much. I feel like I will go through my next pregnancy with so much more fear. You are so strong. I am so sorry you've had to go through such a horrible loss. I am thankful that you share your thoughts. Reading them makes me realize that even through the pain you can find happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 thank you girl. try not to read about too much sadness or devastation...that can add loads of weight and fear to your heart that it doesn't need. you are amazing, and so sweet. (hug)

      Delete
  17. Heart wrenching and beautiful and like food to my spirit. Thank you so much for posting this. I love you

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi, Jess, first time commenting on your blog, but I have been a reader for a little while now... As someone who lost a baby very early in my life (late teens), I can really admire your courage, thank you for sharing your thoughts, we would have no idea otherwise... I think a lot of us do a lot of pretending in day to day life that the bad things we've gone through don't exist, and the period of realisation that that doesn't necessarily help is an arduous one! Well done, I am still working through it all in therapy so nothing gets left hidden under stones and everything can be worked through so that happiness can be enjoyed at the utmost possible!! I haven't been pregnant since, I'm 24 and it's been 7 years, I give myself the excuse that it wasn't the right time and it probably wasn't, but grieving is made so much harder by that reason, no one wants to see you grieve something unexpected at the wrong time of your life.

    Grieving is a fine state to be in, as you say it doesn't mean you aren't happy most of the time, but pushing away all harsh thoughts isn't productive as the next time something happens that reminds you of it, you won't be able to work through that either as you weren't able to work through the first thing, so well done, I am fully behind anyone who takes the time to work through their hurts!

    lots of love

    Noémie
    no-et-mie.blogspot.com
    noecatt@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much for sharing your heart in such a beautiful way. truly blesses my spirit, more than you know. my heart aches with yours that you loss your wee baby. you are amazing.

      Delete
    2. Thank you for taking the time to reply, as I see you have got quite a lot of heartfelt comments on here... <3

      Delete
  19. you will always miss that november baby. and that's ok.

    i lost my first pregnancy at 6 weeks in march 2011. a year and two days after that loss, my son was born. i love my son so much, he is amazing. but i miss the baby boy that could have been (i'm sure it was a boy...just as i knew my son was my son...we didn't find out in advance of his birth).

    please be gentle with yourself. keep talking, sewing, blogging, praying, cuddling your toddler (as he will let you...). <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much...wow, your heart is so kind. thank you for your encouragement. i'm so sorry you lost your sweet baby. (hug)

      Delete
  20. I completely understand. I have a three year old boy and 4 months ago, miscarried at 5 months pregnant. Everyone said that I should just get pregnant again right away.......but I knew that was not the right choice for me. In fact, I am not sure getting pregnant ever again would be the right choice. The loss was hard and I know I need time to grieve. I get very severe morning sickness for the first 4 months of every pregnancy and I am completely useless. I don't think I can, nor want to go through that again plus the added fear of a pregnancy after a miscarriage. I think every mother knows deep down what the best choice is, even with doubts, even with fear. That fear is normal but it can not touch the love you have for your baby boy.....nor can it touch the love you have for the baby you lost.....it is useless. As long as you see that fear as useless, it is easier to let go of it. Best wishes to you, you have a beautiful growing family. Cherish

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hello Jess, I do not know you but we have a mutual friend, Amy Kelly. I read your blog today and was amazed that you and I have something else in common: we both had a miscarriage in November (Thanksgiving Day specifically) and are both pregnant again relatively the same amount of weeks. I'm currently 21 weeks. I just that was awesome to just know that our babies are probably playing up in Heaven waiting for us to come and meet them. =) Be encouraged.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Beautiful, thanks for deciding to hit publish.:)

    ReplyDelete
  23. I just want to hug your amazing, beautiful heart. You are an amazing mama to those two little ones here on earth, and that precious baby being snuggled by Jesus up in Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Maybe it doesn't always feel this way but you are doing such a beautiful job of processing all of this. It is strangely amazing how grief and joy can live side by side, and how we hold our angel babies and our earth babies in the same place in our hearts. All I can say is give yourself equal permission to grieve and feel joy. Both are there, just as both Windland and your new baby boy are by your side.

    ReplyDelete
  25. thank you for sharing. i am pregnant with our first, but it is not my first pregnancy ... so, its our 2nd? its hard for me to wrap my mind around it. all i know is what i felt and feel and i dont have many ways to put it into words. its comforting to read a post like yours because its a way for me to confirm what i cannot say or type. i am only 16 weeks along in this pregnancy. i have not seen a picture of my child since 8 weeks, i have not had the pleasure of feeling him or he move yet ... i live in constant fear or denial that anything bad could happen, going from one extreme to the other. then i pray and try to quiet my mind, wondering how much of my angst this wee one feels. may God continue to bless you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank you for writing this. It helps those of us with friends going through the same thing better know how to care for them.

    ReplyDelete
  27. babe, i heard this from a christian author. did you know your little one in Heaven is waiting for you to name it? precious thoughts & prayers xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 thank you so much. we named him/her "Windland" helped us so much. <3

      Delete
  28. This really resonated with me "I've somehow convinced myself that I'm just fine and dandy. The confusing and sad thoughts that invade my mind at many hours of the day don't count. I just mark the good and happy ones. Does that make sense?" It makes complete sense to me. I feel the same way (we are currently trying to conceive our second child after a miscarriage earlier this year) and someone, the fact that I only "mark the good" days makes those dark moments so much more potent. Its like it hits me anew every time. So...huge hugs to you, I really appreciate this post and it struck home with me today since I had a rough time this weekend (we would have been having a gender reveal party this weekend if I hadn't lost the baby).

    ReplyDelete
  29. I don't know you, but was very touched by your blog. You mentioned that sometimes it is more comforting when someone who has been through a similar loss shows empathy with you than all the encouraging comments. Very understandable, because they really know the pain you are talking about. It was a devastating loss for you and you're emotions are still raw; but at some point God will use your experience to comfort someone else like no one else can. In no way am I diminishing your pain; but there is the silver lining of being used in someone else's life as a comfort that you found with others' empathy toward you. My dear daughter-in-law had a miscarriage; several months later she got pregnant again. Around 5 weeks prior to her due date, I took her to the doctor's for a regular checkup. They couldn't find the heartbeat and did two ultrasounds with two different machines to doublecheck. They found that the precious little girl had died a few days before. The next morning she went into natural labor; and her mother and I were privileged to be with her as she delivered this little one. Our families were all there and we each took turns holding her and rocking her. It was so hard to give her up.
    She was beautifully and wonderfully made. The doctors did an autopsy and could find nothing wrong internally. Their best educated guess was that she died from a virus. It was devastating for all of us. Several months later, she became pregnant again; and once again miscarried. The pain was unbearable for her. She tried one more time. Praise God that baby was born and she had a beautiful little girl. She conceived two more times and had a beautiful son and another beautiful daughter. She and my son have three children in heaven with their loving Heavenly Father where they will never suffer sickness, pain, etc. I hope that God can help you heal your broken heart, without ever forgetting that precious little one that is now in the arms of God. God bless you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Jess,

    My second son, Bela, was also born after a miscarriage. I was pretty nervous throughout my pregnancy with him; I remember that fear that can be all-consuming, as well as the gratitude for life, and the realization of its fragility.

    It's been about 4 or 5 years since my miscarriage, and in many ways it seems like a lifetime ago. We've got a busy household, and have added another one into the mix. But, I do remember it took me a long time to grieve. Even after Bela was born, people would ask things that I felt were insensitive, regarding the miscarriage, and it would spark that anger and pain and sense of loss again and again. I know that having a healthy baby doesn't erase the grief of early loss; they are two completely different experiences, compartmentalized, really.

    Thanks for being honest. And take your time in grief - there's no other way.

    Congratulations on your second son, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thank you so much for sharing. Just go with the emotion, it's beautiful and honest and no one is judging you for it. You are so loved by so many of us... and of course your beautiful family.

    xo.
    Kacie

    ReplyDelete
  32. Jess:
    It took a very long time for me to be at peace with my miscarriage. I would have to say, sadly, that the fear and sorrow and doubt that filled my heart took away from me enjoying my pregnancy with Roman.

    If the is one thing, one lesson that God gave me through means of my boy and carrying him, it was finally letting go and letting God. What ever is meant to be, will. I give my life to God and only the things that he wants to happen to me will. I have faith in him and where he chooses to lead me. Realizing and accepting that has freed me!

    There is nothing wrong with being scared, the wide-eyed, breath holding, don't want to move In case it jars the baby kind of fear. As long as you next heartbeat snaps you out of it and into God's hands, you're golden, love.

    Sending love to the four of you!
    Xo,
    Violet

    ReplyDelete
  33. I don't normally read all the way through such long posts, but hearing your raw and beautiful heart process through your feelings drew me in. I'm praying for you and your sweet family.

    -Kat

    ReplyDelete
  34. Dear Jess,
    you are such a strong person, you are a true inspiration. I wish your heart finds peace. I think kids are angels who come to this world to be our children. your little angel that you are expecting now, I want to believe is the same angel who tried to come that time you had miscarriage, your angel tried again and he succeed this time, and you will finally meet him, because he loves you, and wants to be with you so much, that he didn't give up..
    God knows his ways, you look like such a good person Jess, your little boys will heal your heart. don't be sad now, little angel has to feel you are happy he's coming, he feels your cries and cries with you.

    and thank you for sharing your story..
    Reda

    ReplyDelete
  35. You are so beautiful, inside and out. What a brave thing for you to do, sharing your soul like this. I want go give you a bunch of big fat hugs!

    Miscarriage is a rough thing to go through, I know. I lost a little one to miscarriage September 2010 (it was Labor Day weekend). And exactly one year later my contractions started labor day weekend and I gave birth ON Labor Day to a beautiful baby boy. Only God can orchestrate things so beautiful. I will never forget my Little One, because every September when we are celebrating our little Jude's birthday, I'll be thinking of that little baby I never got to meet. Bitter sweet.

    Praying for you, girl. <3
    Trinity

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jess, this helped me. Thank you for being brave to share it. We have similar stories and I wanted so badly to blog about the struggle of pregnancy after miscarriage. I have shared your post on my blog at hallelujahmama.blogspot.com . Your post was a perfect delivery of the reflections I felt and still feel with a baby after losing one. Love & Grace to you, precious Mommy.....

    ReplyDelete
  37. This post really touched my heart. We had a miscarriage in August, and the grief and anxiety has been like nothing I have ever experienced before. Since then have had two chemical pregnancies. Each one felt more and more terrifying, and the what if would cloud my mind at every step. However, we have a God that is good, and continues to be good even when life feels so very hard. Praying for you and your family as you experience the wonder of new beginnings while still making your way through the sadness of loss.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Respect for posting this, beautifull post

    Denise

    ReplyDelete
  39. Beautiful, Jess. And what seems like a muddled mess of contradicting emotions makes perfect sense to me. I'm struggling with infertility right now (in order to get pregnant again, I'd have to wean Ezra and I can't do it), and so much of what you said lingered in my heart long after I read it. You are doing exactly what your soul requires to completely fall into this precious new baby boy, and to also bring reverence and acceptance to the loss of Windland. I feel so blessed to have found you and this blog. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. you are such an inspiration. beautiful <3

    ReplyDelete
  41. Thank you for sharing this. My best friend had a miscarriage a few months ago and now she's pregnant again, and she seems very uneasy. We never talked about it because I wasn't sure what to say. This better helps me see how she might be feeling. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  42. You are awesome. I can't think of an appropriate enough way to say how beautiful and raw this post was. Props to you for baring your soul like that. I hope you find the peace you're looking for <3

    ReplyDelete
  43. I lost our first baby at 9 weeks in February, we just started trying to concieve a couple of weeks ago and after I find myself in tears. Sad for the life that is no more, the one that only my husband and myself will truly remember. Thank you for this post... I'm excited at the hope of a new life but still so sad for the one that is in heaven...

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thank you so much. I am pregnant with my second child after losing the first. It took us 2 years to get pregnant again and i still can't believe its real. It was almost as if you read my my mind and put it in words. I finally could explain to my husband how i feel by letting him read this blog. Thank you so much for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ah, my eyes are full to the brim right now with tears reading your comment. <3 i'm so heart broken for you that you lost your first baby. i'm so sorry. how beautiful that you are expecting again...that little one will be like a healing balm to your heart. thank you so much for writing this comment to me, truly. <3

      Delete
  45. I'm kinda new- this was the first post I read. It's beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    Now I am searching for those dolls you make?! I assume you sell on Etsy?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Jess,
    I just stumbled upon your blog today and this post spoke to me so deeply. I'm ten weeks pregnant with our third baby after the loss of our second in January. I was almost thirteen weeks pregnant when we found out the baby had a severe fetal anomaly that didn't allow he/she to stay with us.
    Our hearts were broken by losing this little one. We, well, mainly I, struggled with trying to convince myself to try for another, but I knew I wanted one so badly that we did try. One month later, I got a positive test and here we are! Luckily, I'm considered high risk from the start so they are watching me with tons of testing and ultrasounds.
    Every.single.day is a struggle because i think about the little person I lost. I get to look at my 22 month old daughter and feel amazingly blessed, like you with your son, but at the same time, I mourn for the second and scream on the inside that somehow I could have helped the baby. Doctors say it was nothing I had control over.
    Every day I come across something in a pregnancy book/website that scares me about this new baby and I fear we will have a repeat situation.
    Your heart talk came into conversation with mine and brought me to tears, relieving some stress that I'm not the only Mama out there who's thinking these thoughts or feeling such depths of emotional maze-type craziness.
    Thank you for putting this out in the universe for me to find :)
    You're family is absolutely beautiful and I wish you the very best!
    Taylor

    ReplyDelete
  47. i am one month post-miscarriage and surgery. my pregnancy ended quickly but also saved my life. i really enjoyed your entry.

    www.themommydentist.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  48. In case you experienced losing the unborn baby this piece of writing will explain to you easy methods to optimally plan for your next conception after miscarriage. Even if many can't wait to get pregnant again as fast as possible it's wise that you wait around and get ready properly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thankfully we didn't loose this baby and cedar was born healthily without any problems last month. we didn't plan on having him at all. i guess you could call it a miraculous accident, but he is perfect and pretty much saved my heart from sinking into an even darker state of loss.

      Delete
  49. I'm so grateful for this...we lost our first son one month ago and it helps so much to remember we're not alone.

    Anna

    http://anna-gemutlichkeit.blogspot.com/2012/09/surprised-by-joy.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh anna....my heart breaks for you and with you. i know the pain you are going through right now. i'm so sorry. no, you are not alone. if you ever want to connect more, or talk about what you are going through, your son, or vent. please contact me and let me know. <3

      Delete
  50. this is my first visit to your lovely blog...i just stumbled upon it and i truly love it. :) i had two miscarriages before our oldest daughter was born. those were the hardest, darkest times in my life...but god pulled me through to the other side. i'm a stronger person for it. when i got pregnant with our oldest daughter, i was terrified...but god was calling me to trust in him completely. we may never know this side of heaven why we go through certain things...but i really believe that god uses our pain and sorrow to help others. god bless...and congrats on the new little one! :)

    rachel

    ReplyDelete
  51. Seriously, this post is all that I am feeling as far as the lost of a precious wee one. We just lost our beautiful second pregnancy this past weekend at 12 weeks. It's brings some healing reading your post. Especially since I can't yet post my feelings of my heart and soul. I am still not ready. I don't know why. But it helps to read this and relate. :)

    ReplyDelete
  52. you are such an inspiration. beautiful <3

    ReplyDelete
  53. Hey Jess :) I'm not sure at this point how I even came across your blog today, but I've been reading back and what you wrote here was how I was feeling when I got pregnant after a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I felt like I shouldn't get into it because what if I lost this one too? The feelings are confusing. There is no pattern of grief for the invisible beginning of a mother. Thank you for sharing your stories.

    Here's my post on it ~ http://alwaystimefortea-brooke.blogspot.com/2011/12/starting-to-feel-like-color-again.html

    We now have an incredible little 7.5 month old son...Cedar Sebastian. :)

    xo Brooke

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much brooke. what a beautiful post. xoxo

      Delete
  54. "encourage a girl having gone through something similar."
    This is me today. thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Reread this post again today and my heart was so blessed and encouraged. There is such life in your words and such encouragement. Not just for the precious women who have experienced a miscarriage, but for women struggling with gripping fear in their lives. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. what encouraging words. thank you. xoxo

      Delete
  56. Oh wow, Jess... I can't thank you enough for sharing your messy heart in this post. I've miscarried three. Haven, Benjamin, & Juniper. The last time I found out I was pregnant was exactly one year ago last week when I found out I was pregnant again. I was so terrified. This past week has been such a ride and I just found out that my pregnancy hormones jumped from 203 to almost 5000- but like you said, a kiss and a knife. I want to let go into joy so very much... but hope takes an incredible amount of bravery... Your post put a lot of language to the sighs of my heart. Thank you so much. your blog is incredibly inspiring. Much love xoxo

    -sage&scarlet

    ReplyDelete
  57. Dear Jess,
    I am not a regular follower of your blog, but I came across it by chance. I have recently experienced two miscarriages... One right after another. I have no other children and I haven't been able to get pregnant again... We don't know what's wrong. I have never experienced a pain this raw and deafening before. Where do you go from here? I am happy to know God has blessed you with another little soul to hold. Hold him tight for me. I pray God grants my husband and I the same blessing someday soon. In the meantime, I find comfort in the fact I am not alone. And I am still a mother, to two beautiful little angels... Sky and Whisper.

    ReplyDelete

Tell me your thoughts...