Fall, Let's Be Friends

posted on: Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I'm sitting here on my back porch, while both of my kids are napping. Did I just say that? Somebody wake me up.

It's quiet and there are leaves all over the place. I swept the deck 2 days ago, but you'd never know it. My neighbor is practicing her violin with the windows open. I kinda feel like I'm in a scene from a movie and she is providing the background music for my thoughts. ha. Since Cedar has started sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks now, I've had room in my brain and heart to think outside of feedings, diapers and entertaining my sweet 2 year old. It feels good. I have moments like I'm having now, on my porch swing, where I can just be and think.  This time last year, I was on this deck a lot, reading and smiling, playing with Kael and soaking up the tiny wonders of a Carolina back yard in Fall time. I also spent hours crying out here. I was reading that book, "One Thousand Gifts" and having my world rocked by beauty and simple love. I had no idea that I was about to experience the most severe form of heart break  that I had ever known ; then a bit later, the sweetest of gifts. It's surreal to sit here in the same spot, looking at the same trees, thinking thoughts on the other side of last year. Life is too short to be spent asking why all the time. Sometimes, that question can consume me to the point of stealing the goodness that is still embracing me.

(I wish I could interject the heavenly music that is filling my street right now. Seriously, the perks of living next door to a concert violinist who loves to practice with her windows open.)

Here I am, a year older and I hope, wiser. Wiser in love and a son richer.

A part of me has been worried about these coming weeks. In the back of my mind, I have been a bit worried that I might sink back into a hole of sadness, where everything is run through the filter of cynicalness. I've been surprised. I've leaned more into hope than I thought I could. I sat here with Cedar before he fell asleep and had a moment that I wish I could freeze forever. A moment where I realized a miracle has happened in my heart. A sweet, new life with a personality that I'm just discovering is in my arms. Did I see this beautiful moment in my future a year ago? No. But it was just the same. I'm giving myself grace and not holding myself to a standard of emotional perfection these next couple of months. But, as I walk into this fall and holiday season, I'm not afraid. I'm peaceful and expectant.

Hey crunchy leaves and pumpkin lattes, cold brisk air and fire pit get togethers, I'm not scared of you or what you brought me last year. Let's make new, happy memories with my 3 handsome boys this year shall we?

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

14 thoughts:

  1. So beautiful...I seriously had tears in my eyes while reading this...it is hard to see just how blessed we are. You have a beautiful blog and seem to have just as equal a beautiful personality thank you for giving me the opportunity to have a peak inside your day.

  2. Love this entry, Jess! I'm practically salivating at the thought of a porch to sit on and the violin music is just even more a plus! It's still 95 degrees here in the afternoons in south Florida, but we've had a quick taste of temperatures in the mid-70's in the mornings and it's been nice! Wish we had leaves that change.

    I bet your holiday season will be filled with the most incredible memories with your three boys! <3

  3. you continue to inspire me. my heart smiles hearing you talk about your life, your experiences (daily and otherwise) and your boys. so great!

  4. Such a beautiful post. Thanks for making my day! :)

  5. Beautifully written. Fall, even though nature is dying, prepares the way for newness. Enjoy the new grace and fresh mercy he is bestowing as you enter the holidays. :)

  6. I really love this too, beautiful with a little bit of sad. Glad there was a perfectness in everyday life.

  7. I needed this post today. Its beautiful, thank you!

  8. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. God bless you, abundantly!

  9. the last line of this post broke a dam in my heart and i burst into tears. i'm in the loss right now, and i've been afraid to hope.. thank you for reminding me and for helping me be honest with the Father about my struggle. i'm SO happy He brought you your beautiful.

    1. awww....hope is scary but so healing.... my heart is beyond humbled and honored that in any way i've helped yours. <3


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