I'm sitting here on my back porch, while both of my kids are napping. Did I just say that? Somebody wake me up.
It's quiet and there are leaves all over the place. I swept the deck 2 days ago, but you'd never know it. My neighbor is practicing her violin with the windows open. I kinda feel like I'm in a scene from a movie and she is providing the background music for my thoughts. ha. Since Cedar has started sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks now, I've had room in my brain and heart to think outside of feedings, diapers and entertaining my sweet 2 year old. It feels good. I have moments like I'm having now, on my porch swing, where I can just be and think. This time last year, I was on this deck a lot, reading and smiling, playing with Kael and soaking up the tiny wonders of a Carolina back yard in Fall time. I also spent hours crying out here. I was reading that book, "One Thousand Gifts" and having my world rocked by beauty and simple love. I had no idea that I was about to experience the most severe form of heart break that I had ever known ; then a bit later, the sweetest of gifts. It's surreal to sit here in the same spot, looking at the same trees, thinking thoughts on the other side of last year. Life is too short to be spent asking why all the time. Sometimes, that question can consume me to the point of stealing the goodness that is still embracing me.
(I wish I could interject the heavenly music that is filling my street right now. Seriously, the perks of living next door to a concert violinist who loves to practice with her windows open.)
Here I am, a year older and I hope, wiser. Wiser in love and a son richer.
A part of me has been worried about these coming weeks. In the back of my mind, I have been a bit worried that I might sink back into a hole of sadness, where everything is run through the filter of cynicalness. I've been surprised. I've leaned more into hope than I thought I could. I sat here with Cedar before he fell asleep and had a moment that I wish I could freeze forever. A moment where I realized a miracle has happened in my heart. A sweet, new life with a personality that I'm just discovering is in my arms. Did I see this beautiful moment in my future a year ago? No. But it was just the same. I'm giving myself grace and not holding myself to a standard of emotional perfection these next couple of months. But, as I walk into this fall and holiday season, I'm not afraid. I'm peaceful and expectant.
Hey crunchy leaves and pumpkin lattes, cold brisk air and fire pit get togethers, I'm not scared of you or what you brought me last year. Let's make new, happy memories with my 3 handsome boys this year shall we?
He makes all things beautiful in His time.