Fall, Let's Be Friends

I'm sitting here on my back porch, while both of my kids are napping. Did I just say that? Somebody wake me up.

It's quiet and there are leaves all over the place. I swept the deck 2 days ago, but you'd never know it. My neighbor is practicing her violin with the windows open. I kinda feel like I'm in a scene from a movie and she is providing the background music for my thoughts. ha. Since Cedar has started sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks now, I've had room in my brain and heart to think outside of feedings, diapers and entertaining my sweet 2 year old. It feels good. I have moments like I'm having now, on my porch swing, where I can just be and think.  This time last year, I was on this deck a lot, reading and smiling, playing with Kael and soaking up the tiny wonders of a Carolina back yard in Fall time. I also spent hours crying out here. I was reading that book, "One Thousand Gifts" and having my world rocked by beauty and simple love. I had no idea that I was about to experience the most severe form of heart break  that I had ever known ; then a bit later, the sweetest of gifts. It's surreal to sit here in the same spot, looking at the same trees, thinking thoughts on the other side of last year. Life is too short to be spent asking why all the time. Sometimes, that question can consume me to the point of stealing the goodness that is still embracing me.

(I wish I could interject the heavenly music that is filling my street right now. Seriously, the perks of living next door to a concert violinist who loves to practice with her windows open.)

Here I am, a year older and I hope, wiser. Wiser in love and a son richer.

A part of me has been worried about these coming weeks. In the back of my mind, I have been a bit worried that I might sink back into a hole of sadness, where everything is run through the filter of cynicalness. I've been surprised. I've leaned more into hope than I thought I could. I sat here with Cedar before he fell asleep and had a moment that I wish I could freeze forever. A moment where I realized a miracle has happened in my heart. A sweet, new life with a personality that I'm just discovering is in my arms. Did I see this beautiful moment in my future a year ago? No. But it was just the same. I'm giving myself grace and not holding myself to a standard of emotional perfection these next couple of months. But, as I walk into this fall and holiday season, I'm not afraid. I'm peaceful and expectant.

Hey crunchy leaves and pumpkin lattes, cold brisk air and fire pit get togethers, I'm not scared of you or what you brought me last year. Let's make new, happy memories with my 3 handsome boys this year shall we?

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Another Adventure: 11 Weeks

11 week bump. I was going to hold off on posting pics until we got the cute, 'bump photo shoot sessions' that we are planning for the blog. But, what the heck, are you kidding? What's wrong with a little insta-gram action, hmmm? So, I waited until the evening, when my bump is the biggest and clicked that little button. Bam! There it is ladies and gentlemen. (excuse the odd glasses and leaf earrings in my candle holder. I have a toddler who likes to "help" me reorganize my precious belongings. haha) 

Another adventure begins! Can you believe it!? The responses we have received from so many of you have blown us away and literally brought me to happy tears. Thank you SO much for celebrating with us! You have no idea what the simplest shared excitement has done for my heart. This has been an amazing and unique journey for us!

Our new little baby is due around August 25. That puts me around 11 weeks! Does that sound familiar? Yeah....Forest boy's birthday is August 29th! haha! Can you see some mega joint birthday parties in our future!? Oh lord. It'll be fun! I'll just have to up my party planning a bit.  I've been suuuuuuuper sick, throwing up, all day nausea...food is my friend one moment and my enemy the next. Bleh. But, when I feel super gross, I just remind myself this means the baby is doing it's thing, shaking things up and growing good and strong.

Several of our closest friends have known for a few weeks and have been a DREAM of love, joy and support! (I love you guys so much.)  But, I was afraid and hesitant to tell everyone publicly about our news since we lost our baby, Windland, in November. It's been a constant struggle with me. And, in the back of my mind, no matter how excited I get, I'm almost always met with a twinge of fear and a little sadness.  Samuel has helped me realize that my heart begins to let go of fear and starts to flourish when our friends celebrate with us over the addition of a new, happy little soul into our sweet community. Every squeal, or every time one of my girlfriends would bend down and start whispering sweet things to my baby, my heart would lay back and I would allow myself to feel real joy. Sometimes, the best way to protect your heart is to open it to the love of others. For me, this has been the case.  The past 3 weeks my heart has turned around in such a wonderful way. I think it's called healing...   My face is constantly in a smile. (When I'm not puking that is. haha. ) It's time to share! Time to celebrate and party! WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BAAAABY!!!  I can't wait to meet my new little love and kiss his or her face. Sigh.

I'm working on a post right now that goes into a good amount of detail about the unexpected journey my heart has been on the past 3 months. The challenges, the fears, the anger, the grieving and then throw into that mix the joy of our new baby. I have learned more about my soul, my heart and just myself in general in the last 3 months... more than I ever have in my entire life.

I'm SUPER excited to share our journey with all of you! Thank you so much for following along. So many of you have smiled with me, laughed, cried sad tears and happy tears with me...thank you. I'm expecting so much more of the laughing and happy tears this year!

Let's do this again y'all!!!

-Jess

I had to throw this picture in that Lorean took last week from a day at the park. Myself,  Lorean, Lauren and our little munchkins had a day in the sun. Yes, that is Forest boy at the top of the stairs. My little fearless boy.  I love our babies.


Thank you so much for taking the time to vote for us on Top Baby Blogs last week! We've gotten lots of extra traffic and met many new friends from being on page 1!