Heart Thoughts on Motherhood

It's hitting me. The reality that this new, small soul is mine. Around 5 am, as Cedar finished up his early morning and very sleepy feeding, I couldn't put him down. My body longed for those extra 2 hours of sleep that I knew it would get if I laid him back in his co-sleeper. But, my eyes couldn't leave his face and my arms wouldn't let go. I sat there for almost an hour, staring at him and his dreaming smiles. I put my face to his cheek, as his tiny breaths kissed my cheek thinking, "is this love even for real?"

Now, when I nurse Cedar, he'll stop for a moment, look at me and smile. I can't help but soak up these moments. Every morning, without fail, his expressions are full of wonder. It's as if he realizes how long he has been asleep and he can't wait to have open eyes again, discovering exciting things like the ceiling fan and his brother zooming toys in front of his face. haha. He wants to stand up constantly, bobbing his head around trying to look ever which way. Ah! I've probably kissed him over a thousand times since he's been born, I can't help it. I've stood in front of my old, gold mirror, countless times as I've held him,  just so I could stare at his dreamy face, all smooshed up against my chest. These are days that I've been dreaming of for years. Sometimes, I have to stand back and acknowledge the moment before is passes by.

Samuel said this to me after we got engaged, "Let's promise each other that no matter what, we won't lose the wonder that we have for each other." That has been a pillar in my heart and it's taken weight into my momma heart as well. In the moments, when one child is whining and the other crying, where a shower is my only form of alone time and a greek yogurt in a nursing bra and yoga pants is my only real meal of the day...not to lose the wonder of my boys and wonder of being their safe place.

In weeks like this, when I've had bright days and cloudy ones, my heart is gripped with this truth, motherhood is a sacred and beautiful gift. It's a messy one, a painful one, it's tiring and beyond beautiful...it breaks your heart and then heals it. It has made me more alive to love and the beauty of vulnerability. I'm saying that in the "infant" stages, if you will, of my journey as a momma, knowing that I've barely skimmed the surface of what being a mom truly means. There are millions of moments that my heart has yet to experience, laughs it hasn't seen, tears it hasn't cried and wisdom it's waiting to learn.

I love being a momma.

Fall, Let's Be Friends

I'm sitting here on my back porch, while both of my kids are napping. Did I just say that? Somebody wake me up.

It's quiet and there are leaves all over the place. I swept the deck 2 days ago, but you'd never know it. My neighbor is practicing her violin with the windows open. I kinda feel like I'm in a scene from a movie and she is providing the background music for my thoughts. ha. Since Cedar has started sleeping through the night for almost 2 weeks now, I've had room in my brain and heart to think outside of feedings, diapers and entertaining my sweet 2 year old. It feels good. I have moments like I'm having now, on my porch swing, where I can just be and think.  This time last year, I was on this deck a lot, reading and smiling, playing with Kael and soaking up the tiny wonders of a Carolina back yard in Fall time. I also spent hours crying out here. I was reading that book, "One Thousand Gifts" and having my world rocked by beauty and simple love. I had no idea that I was about to experience the most severe form of heart break  that I had ever known ; then a bit later, the sweetest of gifts. It's surreal to sit here in the same spot, looking at the same trees, thinking thoughts on the other side of last year. Life is too short to be spent asking why all the time. Sometimes, that question can consume me to the point of stealing the goodness that is still embracing me.

(I wish I could interject the heavenly music that is filling my street right now. Seriously, the perks of living next door to a concert violinist who loves to practice with her windows open.)

Here I am, a year older and I hope, wiser. Wiser in love and a son richer.

A part of me has been worried about these coming weeks. In the back of my mind, I have been a bit worried that I might sink back into a hole of sadness, where everything is run through the filter of cynicalness. I've been surprised. I've leaned more into hope than I thought I could. I sat here with Cedar before he fell asleep and had a moment that I wish I could freeze forever. A moment where I realized a miracle has happened in my heart. A sweet, new life with a personality that I'm just discovering is in my arms. Did I see this beautiful moment in my future a year ago? No. But it was just the same. I'm giving myself grace and not holding myself to a standard of emotional perfection these next couple of months. But, as I walk into this fall and holiday season, I'm not afraid. I'm peaceful and expectant.

Hey crunchy leaves and pumpkin lattes, cold brisk air and fire pit get togethers, I'm not scared of you or what you brought me last year. Let's make new, happy memories with my 3 handsome boys this year shall we?

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Simple Days

The past two weeks have included me getting a hardcore flu (the worst with a newborn), legit, chilly fall weather, lots of finger painting projects for Kael at school, plus his first train ride with friends and lots of new smiles from Cedar. I've started writing music again (which makes me feel extra alive).  I'm about to start a new book study with some girls at church and C has consistently been sleeping through the night (making a very sane and happy momma). I really have been looking into my heart lately, holding onto simple love and acknowledging the areas in my soul that have grown and the parts that still need hope and grace. There's beauty in the good and grace in and for everything else.  

Gimme those cheeks.

foot snuggles

Curiosity

This right here is a like having a date with myself. Every month this is responsible for an extra smile on my face.

We just started the chapter of saying goodbye to paci. (prayers are appreciated.) ;)

Every morning, Kael asks to watch his tiger show from Animal Planet. Raaaaawr.

One nook of the boys' room.

Pretty much Sam's candy for our sick days.

If you want to be cool in Charlotte, pumpkin spice everything from Trader Joes. 

My favorite treat of the season, local honey crisp apples. 

At least 2-3 bananas a day.

Cows and horses have been a must all week. In the car, Kael's collection of "moo-moos" must come with us of course.

This box holds all of Kael's flash cards. He has a  daily ritual of going through all of them. 

First item I ever bought for my house, for once we got married. A trumpet from the 1940's in Israel. Found it at a little antique shop in Jerusalem. 

My flirt.

Brothers

One of the things that I'm looking forward to most in the coming months and years is, watching my boys grow as brothers. There is something so special and intriguing about the bond that brothers have. And of course,  the wrestling, pretend adventures, the messes, stories and more messes. haha. Last week, we had our first episode of brotherly "wrestling," oh lord. After lounging for a bit on the bed with Cedar, I grabbed our camera. I was actually able to get them, somewhat in the same picture which is kinda a rare thing. Well, my Forest decided to body slam all of our pillows. He had an audience and his own personal paparazzi so, why should he just sit there? Then, he looked back at me with a very knowing, boyish grin and proceeded to step on his brother and then tried to pounce on him. I grabbed him up before he had the chance to do the later. Then, I just laughed as I picked up a very startled and mad Cedar. haha. You boys. 

Dear Kael

Hey Kael, it's Momma...

Gosh, the last couple of weeks have been crazy, huh? What are you thinking? Have you figured out that this new little person is ours? I've been trying to give you your space with Cedar, not trying to force him on you too strongly. I figure you'll come around...and you are.  I'll ask you where your brother is and your eyes light up, as you point to him.  You know he's something special, though you don't have too much interest in him. You've got important things to do like, body slam onto the couch, figure out puzzles, build big towers and pretend that you are a tiger or an elephant (the later is your current fav).  It makes me smile, knowing that you guys will one day be up past your bed time while trying to figure out a way to convince us to let you stay up and wrestle for just 5 minutes more. It's going to be crazy wonderful. Until then, you are perfectly happy to wrestle and scream with your daddy or your friends, Oliver and Dash. 

Just two days ago, and for the first time, you consented to "holding" your little brother after bringing me his space man jammies.  You apparently wanted me to put them on him and you stood there until I did. (I thought the outfit I had on him was cute enough, but obviously not to your tastes that day.) haha. 

I have so much fun celebrating your mini conquerings and creations. You, proudly bringing home your paintings and art projects from preschool, are probably some of my absolute favorite things ever. Hands down, the best! You walk by "your" art wall, in the hallway (where of course I display your masterpieces) and point to your favorite painting that you made with apple stamps. I delight in how you love to create. You are rather partial to markers, *ehem* more like sharpies. I have no clue why. ;) (It's from me, I've been obsessed with sharpies for years and you are like your momma.) This Friday, when I picked you up from school, you gave your teaches and friends hugs bye-bye, like really sweet, heart felt hugs. Ah! Being your mom is so great. 

Over the past week, I've been asking you, over and over, how you got so big? When did this happen? I hold your face in my hands and look at you, looking at me with happiness in your eyes...you are such a big boy. A few days ago, you passed out on my chest. You were out cold! It was pure heaven. I didn't move. I just stared at your sweet face, laying on me and kissed your yummy cheeks. They still jiggle when you walk...It's your daddy's favorite thing.

I just wanted to take this lull in the day, while you and your brother are napping, to write you a little note. We've had a really fun time together this week and I wanted to tell you so. 

Oh, one last thing. You say bye-bye with a Texan accent. Yes and thank you!? Um, coolest kid ever?! haha. You're my first little love, buddy. 

I love you. 

-Momma

Simple Days

Since Cedar was born, I've made it more of a priority to have the camera out to catch sweet moments and simple happenings around my house. Every few days, I'll sit down and look through the pictures and just smile. Little things, like Kael's favorite toy of the day laying on the ground, or a ridiculous mess that I'm sure I'll laugh at after the fact or a little old man expression on Cedar's face.  These are my simple days. :)

Lately, I have successfully been getting rid of SO much STUFF. "Stuff" has been the plague of my existence. As much as I like to pretend I am, I'm NOT one of those naturally organized people. I always end up with way more odds and ends than I have room for.  And good lord, how many musty, vintage books can a girl have?! Well, just come over to my bungalow and see. Do I need 10 old mason jars? No. How about 2 or 3?  I can happily say though, that I have de-cluttered my life more in the past couple of months than I ever have before, by keeping only what I truly love and consistently use. I've gotten rid of clothes, furniture and just excess junk (cool junk, buuuuut junk none the less.)

These last few weeks I've been trying to focus on strengthening my inner Amanda, or Sheila, or Sarah... ( These are friends of mine that do have this gift like, whoa!) I've been trying to organize in such a way that accommodates my un-organized tendencies. Does that make sense? I'm figuring out  what works for me ,on the fly and what doesn't. I've tried different methods of organizing my closet for example. You know, those fabric hanging shelf cubbies that velcro to the closet rod? I always start off with everything folded and sorted. Within a month it's all stuffed in the wrong slot. Those awesome for some and nifty inventions, don't work with my weakness to pile and stuff. I finally figured out that I have too many clothes... So hopefully,  me weeding through the threads, will give me a boost in the orderly arranged apparel department. The lists in my mind (and the ones scribbled down on random pieces of paper) are starting to have lots of finished checks and scratched off projects! Kinda making me happy and motivated to continue.

Here are some simple moments from my days this past week. 

there's a little bear napping in there....
nature's sway organic baby hammock (future posts on this to come.)

one project that's been hanging over my head that I finally got started on, almost done.

5 week old wonder

the new addition to our home. my childhood kitty, hannah. she's pretty darn happy to be with me again. kael loves her. 

Someone wanted me to take his picture after I had taken a ton of Cedar yesterday. This boy seriously makes my heart feel a kind of wonderful that is unearthly.