Heart Thoughts on Motherhood

It's hitting me. The reality that this new, small soul is mine. Around 5 am, as Cedar finished up his early morning and very sleepy feeding, I couldn't put him down. My body longed for those extra 2 hours of sleep that I knew it would get if I laid him back in his co-sleeper. But, my eyes couldn't leave his face and my arms wouldn't let go. I sat there for almost an hour, staring at him and his dreaming smiles. I put my face to his cheek, as his tiny breaths kissed my cheek thinking, "is this love even for real?"

Now, when I nurse Cedar, he'll stop for a moment, look at me and smile. I can't help but soak up these moments. Every morning, without fail, his expressions are full of wonder. It's as if he realizes how long he has been asleep and he can't wait to have open eyes again, discovering exciting things like the ceiling fan and his brother zooming toys in front of his face. haha. He wants to stand up constantly, bobbing his head around trying to look ever which way. Ah! I've probably kissed him over a thousand times since he's been born, I can't help it. I've stood in front of my old, gold mirror, countless times as I've held him,  just so I could stare at his dreamy face, all smooshed up against my chest. These are days that I've been dreaming of for years. Sometimes, I have to stand back and acknowledge the moment before is passes by.

Samuel said this to me after we got engaged, "Let's promise each other that no matter what, we won't lose the wonder that we have for each other." That has been a pillar in my heart and it's taken weight into my momma heart as well. In the moments, when one child is whining and the other crying, where a shower is my only form of alone time and a greek yogurt in a nursing bra and yoga pants is my only real meal of the day...not to lose the wonder of my boys and wonder of being their safe place.

In weeks like this, when I've had bright days and cloudy ones, my heart is gripped with this truth, motherhood is a sacred and beautiful gift. It's a messy one, a painful one, it's tiring and beyond beautiful...it breaks your heart and then heals it. It has made me more alive to love and the beauty of vulnerability. I'm saying that in the "infant" stages, if you will, of my journey as a momma, knowing that I've barely skimmed the surface of what being a mom truly means. There are millions of moments that my heart has yet to experience, laughs it hasn't seen, tears it hasn't cried and wisdom it's waiting to learn.

I love being a momma.